A while ago i singed up for the ’free shit’ page on the Orlando Weekly in a feeble homes of winning some ’Wanee’ tickets. No such luck, however today I received an email saying I had won four free tickets to see ’Never back Down’.
It sounded nice at first, but then I read through the email and realized I had to go down to the Orlando weekly office by 5:30 pm. And the movie is tomorrow. So I would have to skip my lunch, go down and get the tickets, drive back to work, and then that night drive down to fashion square mall and squeeze into the packed theater. (They always over pack advanced screenings)
Eh, too much effort. At least for ’Never back Down’.
Bored, I sent the sends of the email this message:
If the theater is really crowded, and my elbow ends up touching some strangers elbow on the armrest, and the unexpected and unaccustomed human contact breaching my personal space triggers an anxiety attack and I end up projectile vomiting my grease-encrusted popcorn over two entire rows in front of me, can I blame it on you?
She replied back:
Absolutely, you can. That is entirely acceptable.
Amused, I shot back:
OK, thank you.
I have to go now. My mom is calling me. She says she made pizza rolls but I know she is really luring me out of my room to yell at me to get a job. You would think she would stop when i turned 30.
and i got a final:
Oooh, Totinos!
Heh, that made my day.
2026 Update
Dialing the machine back to March 2008, where Ed's greatest prize is four tickets he can't be bothered to claim.
Eighteen years later, the idea of winning something by signing up for a newspaper's 'free shit' page is almost charming. Now you'd surrender your email, your phone number, and your browsing habits just to be entered in a draw for a chance to maybe get a coupon. The real punchline is the effort: driving to an office before 5:30 to collect physical tickets, then driving to a mall to sit in a packed theater with an elbow-armrest treaty. In 2026 that screening would be a streaming link, or a 'premium experience' with recliners, assigned seats, and popcorn that costs more than the tickets. Ed's email exchange is also a time capsule of civility: people actually wrote back 'Absolutely, you can' to a stranger's absurd threat of projectile vomiting. Today that email would be screenshotted and posted for clout. And the pizza rolls? Mom's landline call has been replaced by a text with a 'we need to talk' energy. The more things change, the more Ed avoids his job search.
“2008 Ed, you turned down free movie tickets over a hypothetical elbow, yet somehow had time to write a stranger about projectile vomiting—so was the pizza rolls excuse just cover for not wanting to leave the house?” — Beelzebubba the Third
2008 Ed: So, Beelzebubba, you've seen right through me. Yeah, the pizza rolls were cover, but not the way my mom thinks. I mean, sure, I'm 30-ish and still getting lured out of my room with food—that part's real. But the tickets? Eh. I'd have to skip lunch, drive to the Orlando Weekly office, fight downtown traffic, then drive all the way to Fashion Square Mall and squeeze into a packed theater with some stranger's elbow on the armrest. That's my own personal hell, especially for a movie like 'Never Back Down.' The projectile vomiting thing was half a joke, but the anxiety part? Dead serious. I don't do crowds, I don't do forced human contact, and I definitely don't do advanced screenings where they overpack the place. So yes, Totinos and hiding in my room beat free movie tickets. Take that, free stuff. My mom still yelled at me about the job, though.
