I was a little late for work this morning. I was up until 1 in the morning last night doing laundry. All of it
every scrap I had from shorts to bedsheets to the potholders hanging in my kitchen. I got tired of the little piles of laundry that seemed to be snaking through my house so I made sure I washed them all and hung them up nice and neat. Aren’t I just the little Betty Homemaker.
The clean sheets led to a short cat parade as each cat wanted to sit on it and be the first to get their smell on it. At least
that’s the only reason I can figure out for a cat’s attraction to clean laundry. Either that or the fabric softener gets them high.
I had to do a little shopping last night. At the last minute I decided I did not want to wait in traffic until I got to Wal-Mart
so I popped into Albertson’s. Albertson’s has great meat and produce
but everything else is amazingly over prices. I paid over a dollar for a can of Campbell’s won-ton soup. This is not a fancy wonton we are talking about
its Campbell’s
the soup made by robots. Or at least I always assume. I am glad Campbell’s got rid of their ‘Campbell’s Kids’ in their advertising. I always hated those things. Obese little fucker’s staring gleefully at me with their big soulless eyes. They probably live on soup and crack. Although that would not explain why they were so fat.
I also needed some more deodorant. I ran out over the weekend. On Monday I had to use some gold bond powder instead. It actually works well as a deodorant if you can stand the initial burning phase. The trick is to put it on right out of the shower when your armpits are still wet so that it sticks to you like a thin paste. You then have to stand there and take up a Hulk-Hulgan like stance and yell ‘Grrr!’ as you feel the gold bond start to burn into the epidermis of your armpit. After a while your armpit pain receptors go dead or something
and you can continue your day odor free.
The single most expensive thing at that store
in my opinion
was the toilet paper. For some reason the toilet paper was all outrageously expensive. I am real cheap when it comes to toilet paper because frankly I do not want to spend much money on a disposable rag that I am going to use to wipe shit off my ass. The types of toilet paper they have are insane. Aloe and ‘wet’ and scented and ‘quilted’. Sure
I do not want any communist soviet-union era toilet paper that can double as butcher paper
but I just cannot bring myself to spend five bucks on four rolls of toilet paper.
When I was in college I used to steal toilet paper form the Library. What the hell
thought I
it comes out of my tuition anyways. The toilet paper was housed in those big bullet-proof stainless steel containers with those ridiculous little locks that can be picked with a cafeteria spork. Inside would be a roll of toilet paper roughly the size of a truck tire. I would then stuff it into my backpack and I would be set for a month or more. Alas
those carefree days are over.
Last night I moved a spare tv I had into my bedroom so I could watch cartoons as I put my laundry away. Much to my annoyance around midnight on the cartoon network the cartoons flipped off and they put up and episode of ‘Save By The Bell’. I was not only in shock; I was hurt. This was supposed to be the one station I could flip on and always be guaranteed a cartoon. If they did not have anything to show they could have at least put on some ‘smurfs’ or something. Also
I hate ‘Saved by the bell’. I never liked that damn show even in its prime. That screech guy is a freak of nature. If you want to show me freaks
don’t try to give them a personality. Just parade them around in front of me. That’s all I need. I don’t want to see them get a date with the hottest girl in school.
Sigh.
2026 Update
I'm dialing the infernal machine to April 2006, where laundry, cats, overpriced wonton soup, and a Screech-sized midnight betrayal await.
I love that in 2006 a dollar for canned wonton soup was a scandal. Let me tell you, twenty years later I can have soup delivered to my door by an app while I track the courier's little cartoon dot across the neighborhood, and the soup still tastes like robots made it. The toilet paper aisle has only grown more unhinged—aloe, wet, scented, quilted, now all available as a subscription, because apparently wiping your ass needed recurring billing. And your library heist? That's a relic. The big bullet-proof dispensers are mostly gone, replaced by thin sensor-fed sheets that make you feel like you've committed a crime just by using them. As for your midnight cartoon betrayal, the very idea of flipping to a channel and finding a cartoon has evaporated. Everything is algorithmically selected, and somehow the algorithm always chooses something you hate. The only survivor is Campbell's Kids, still plump, still staring, still the scariest thing in the soup aisle. You should have stolen toilet paper from them.
“2006 Ed, when you stood there in a Hulk Hogan stance letting Gold Bond burn into your armpits, did you ever consider that maybe just buying deodorant on time was the less dramatic option—and were you more annoyed at Screech or at yourself for trusting Cartoon Network at midnight?” — Beelzebubba the Third
2006 Ed: So, Beelzebubba, you raise a fair point, but you're forgetting the whole drama of it all. I mean, sure, I could've bought deodorant on time, but then I would've missed out on the thrill of standing in my bathroom in a Hulk Hogan stance, yelling “Grrr!” while my armpits caught fire. That's character building, my friend. You don't get that from a stick of Right Guard. As for Screech versus myself, well, I'm definitely more annoyed at me. Screech is just a freak of nature, parading around like that, but I'm the one who thought, “Hey, midnight Cartoon Network, that's safe.” I should've known better. I trusted them, and they gave me a talking lunchbox with a bad haircut. That's on me. Also, for what it's worth, Albertson's can keep their dollar wonton soup. Take that, Gold Bond burns.
