What is it about government agencies with their love of red tape?
A while back my old roommate from college told me about a device called a captioned telephone. You use it like a telephone and talk normally to the people, except what the other people say is displayed like closed captioning on a screen on the telephone. This seemed like a godsend to me. I can almost just function on a telephone, however I end up missing a lot of the words, especially if I am talking to someone I do not know.
It turns out I can get one of these telephones for free, which sounded great because they cost $500 new. According to the Telecommunications relay website, all I had to do was fill out an application, have my audiologist sign it, and then I go down to their office to pick one up. Sweet.
Well, today I took a little time off form my job to run down there. I get to the office and talk with a lady there to explain I wanted to get one of the captioned telephones. The first thing she says to me is ‘Oh…we cant just GIVE you a captioned telephone.’.
Unf?
First they tried to give me an amplified telephone. She asked if I had used one in the past. Of course I have. They do not work. All they do is amplify what I can already hear. I had to press this fact upon her. Finally they gave me a relay telephone.
The relay telephone is really stupid. It uses the same technology as a TTY, except instead of typing I use my voice. Plus I cannot just dial a number and people cannot just dial me. First I have to call the relay and tell them what number I want. They then connect to the number. I talk through the telephone, and the person relays it. When someone talks back, what he or she is saying is sent to the relay person who types it into my phone. It’s really stupid because I am not actually talking to the person I want to talk to, I am talking to the relay person, and the other people are talking to the relay person. I suppose that’s ok if I’m calling a bank or something, but if I am calling friends to just shoot the shit then it’s a pain in the ass.
Annoyed as I was, it’s not all for a loss. The lady said I can try this phone for ten days, and if I do not like it then I take time off of work again to go down there again and exchange it for a caption phone. So I have to wait another ten days for the phone. Really annoying.
To be fair, the lady seemed honestly sorry she could not give me one. Apparently that policy was put into place because they were getting a lot of returns on the caption phones. It was mainly old people who were getting them, and the doddering old fools could not figure out how to work it. Also, the caption phone is much more expensive than a relay phone. Brand new they cost $500, although I have seen them on ebay for as low as $150-$200.
Actually, I mentioned the ebay fact to the lady, and she said I might not want to outright buy one because apparently the caption telephones break down a lot. If I get one through the government agency, if it breaks I can bring it back for another one. So she says…. I have a feeling there is a lot of red tape involved in that little situation as well.
So this relay phone is going to sit in this box for ten days until I can return. I am actually a little bit steamed about it, but what can I do.
2026 Update
Dialing to April 2007, where Ed tangles with government red tape over a captioned telephone.
Ah, 2007. Back when a captioned telephone was a $500 slab of plastic and government hope, and the best you could do was a relay operator sitting between you and your friend. Now the phone in my pocket captions everything in real time, transcribes voice mails, and lets me type a complete argument without ever opening my mouth. Ed had to take half a day off work, drive downtown, argue with a lady at a government office, and leave with a box that made every call a three-way conversation. Today the red tape lives in a different layer of Hell: account recaptchas, “your payment method was declined” loops, and “we need to verify your identity so please upload a photo of your soul.” But at least Ed got to hold a physical box of disappointment. I just get a glitchy app update. Also, that jab at the old folks was a cheap shot, Ed — even if you were right that they returned the phone because they couldn’t figure it out. That’s not a flaw of age; that’s a flaw in the design of the era.
“2007 Ed, why did you mention the eBay price to the agency lady? Were you trying to dangle a negotiating chip, or did you already know the red tape would eat you either way?” — Beelzebubba the Third
2007 Ed: Well, Beelzebubba, I think I was just trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about, which is my usual move when I'm standing in a government office feeling like a kid sent to the principal. I figured if I tossed out the eBay number she'd see I wasn't some doddering fool, that I'd done my homework and knew these phones weren't solid gold. Honestly, I wasn't trying to negotiate, I just wanted to prove I wasn't one of the old folks who couldn't work the buttons. But yeah, I also knew the red tape was gonna eat me either way, because it always does. That lady had a script and she was sticking to it. Mentioning eBay probably just made her think I was gonna buy a broken one and come crying back. So really it was half brag, half surrender. I still got the stupid relay phone in a box, so I guess the tape wins.
