I had an odd dream last night that I jumped a train. Not an empty boxcar train but an upscale passenger train. In the dream I was walking to work (which I don't do, though I wish I could) when the train passed in front of me. It slowed down for some reason and on a whim I hopped on board. I went in the car and found myself a seat and a stewardess walked by and gave me a drink. In the dream I felt a thrill since I had no idea where the train was going or how I was going to get home, but I was glad to be on an adventure and not at work.
Then I woke up. Actually a cat woke me up with an expression on his face that said 'You ain't going no where, fucker. Feed me'. Sigh.
This dream might have stemmed from the fact that last night, after a half a bottle of wine and a can of tamales, I was idly scanning discount cruise sites. I actually found numerous 3-4 day cruises for under $300, several in the $220 range. I have never been on a cruise, and to be honest I do not know if I would like it. I would probably end up bored and reading a book in my cabin. But I suppose that is one of those things I have to try one of these days just to do it. I wonder if I would get yelled at if I fished off the side. I wonder if I can bring on my own bottles of booze so I don't have to pay outrageous bar prices. Come to think of it I should bring another suitcase full of food as well. Or a crate of MRE's Be the ultimate cheap bastard.
I was actually looking at MRE's on ebay the other day. You can get a crate of them for fairly cheap. I would never have to go shopping or cook again. Just bring in an MRE for lunch and have one for dinner. It would be like those dudes who have a closet full of the same suit, except for me it would be meals. And when the collapse of civilization comes I will be able to trade them for sex with the starving sorority house.
Since my gray-market Korean satellite box has been as useful as a doorstop for the past month, I have been eyeballing TIVO again. There is one promotion where they give you the box for free if you sign up for 1 year at 13 bucks a month. I have been combing over the pages trying to find the hidden fees. There are always hidden fees. 'Activation' or whatever. But I cannot seem to find anything. Anyone ever had any experience with this?
2026 Update
I'm dialing my time machine to 2006, where Ed is pricing booze-free cruises and an MRE-backed apocalypse.
Ah, 2006, when a man could price a $220 cruise, dream of a luxury train, and stock MREs for the apocalypse. Now that cruise gets you maybe a lifeboat seat, and only if you've already surrendered your homemade tamales and your outside booze at the pier. TiVo was a box with a fee you had to hunt for; now we're drowning in streaming subscriptions and still can't find one show. The satellite doorstop switched from Korean to a smart TV that listens to you, which is somehow worse. And the collapse-of-civilization plan? We don't need to trade MREs to starving sororities anymore—there's a delivery app for everything except prudence. You would have loved it, Ed. You also would have hated it with a deep, beautiful loathing.
“2006 Ed, did you ever find the hidden TiVo fee, or did you just accept that the Korean satellite box would remain a doorstop while you stocked MREs for a sorority that never came?” — Beelzebubba the Third
2006 Ed: Well, Beelzebubba, I still haven't found the hidden TiVo fee, which means either there isn't one or it's so hidden it's laughing at me from some actuarial basement. I keep circling that free-box-with-a-year deal like a cat around a suspicious cucumber, waiting for the words "activation fee" or "convenience surcharge" to jump out. So far, nothing. That alone makes me suspicious. And the Korean satellite box? Still a doorstop, right where I left it, only now it's holding open my office door. As for the MREs and the sorority, I haven't actually stocked up yet. I keep meaning to, but then I spend the money on tamales and cheap wine, which feels like the better investment. If the collapse comes, I'll probably be the guy trading a can of pork-and-beans for a bag of chips, not surviving on gourmet rations. Sigh. Take that, hidden fees.
