Every now and then I see this bulletin crop up asking us to help the poor bartenders. And it really annoys me. Lord knows, I have respect for the bartenders, it quite simply cannot be an easy job dealing with all the drunks. I also treat bartenders with respect. They are people too, their job can be hard, I understand that. Nonetheless, you are behind the counter and fetching my drink is your JOB, its not some privilege you are bestowing upon me.
My refutes below are not aimed at bartenders, just to the jackass who wrote these 'bartender rules'
Someone once pointed out to me the fact that there seems to be a micro-economy in the service industry. Restaurant workers take their tip money out to bars and clubs at night and give it to the bartenders, who promptly return it to the waiters and waitresses the next day at lunch. The cycle is almost self-sufficient and is mutually beneficial. Knowing the pain of waiting on customers, each group tips the other well and never raises a fuss. These people do not need to be educated. The rest of you do.
Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.
DON'T...
Fail to have your money ready-
We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule 1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule 1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.
Maybe at a crowded bar full of drunk sleazes I do not want to stand there with my wallet open. Or maybe I want to start a tab. Either way I am the customer and if it takes me an extra 5 seconds to pull cash out of my wallet, then deal with it. Besides, this statement contradicts the 'do not wave your money' bitch below. <
Whistle-
This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs, not people.
I'll yell through a friggin blow horn if that its what it takes to get you away from chatting to your buddies and to bring me my beer.
Bang on the bar-
It doesn't matter if it is with your hand, or an ashtray. Don't do it! It is rude, annoying, and a quick way to purposely get ignored.
Bars are supposed to be able to take punishment. If you cannot stand the noises the bar makes, perhaps you should find a job elsewhere. Drunk sometimes get worked up and will bang on the bar. Big Deal.
Wave money-
Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.
I'm waving money because I want my friggin drink. Plus I have my 'money out' as you bitched about above. So if I do have my money ready or don't, you are going to bitch either way.
Yell out the bartender's first name-
There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender's do too. Mine is "MAN THUNDER".
I am not going to yell out a homo name like 'man thunder'. So far you do not want people to whistle for your attention, bang on a bar for attention and now you do not want us to use your name. Should we just sit there and send out rainbow beams of happiness until we get our drink?
Say "make it strong!" or "Hook me up"-
Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.
If i say this, chances are you DID make me a weak drink. And I do not care if that insults you. Put some booze in it.
Give the ever-expanding drink order-
You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no problem. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule 1.
So, my order changed. A friend walked by and asked me to get something for him as well. Deal with it. If I could serve myself I would.
Pull the redirect (or the bait 'n' switch)-
Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.
Chances are the lady does want a drink. And chances are I want the lady drinking. Perhaps shes a little thing who hardly reach up to the bar and you have been ignoring her for the past 20 minutes because she has been trying to follow your 'rules'.
Try the confused, lost look-
This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule 1.
You work here every night. This might be my first time here. perhaps there are specials I do not know about. Perhaps your taps are on the other side of the room so I am not sure if you have tap or just bottled. Just answer my question.
Order High Maintenance shooters-
Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.
I am out with friends having a good time. We suddenly decide we all want wacky shooters. Quit your bitching and make us our drinks. That is why you are behind the bar. Mixing drinks is your job. If you skip me because its easier for you to fill some guys dixie cup with beer over and over because its 'easier' then perhaps you got into the wrong profession.
Assume we know you're in the band-
We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip.
I hope you at least know who is playing.
Assume we know you period-
Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.
I found bartenders never have a problem knowing who I am when it comes time to ring up a bill.
Apologize for sucking-
Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you. If we had $1.00 just for every time that we have heard this line alone we could probably retire.
Ok, but you could apologize for sucking.
Assume soft drinks are free-
Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.
Never heard of this one myself.
Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar-
We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?
Hit the coinstar. Those thigns add up.
Be "The Microbrew Aficionado"-
Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go away.
Guess what. Not everyone wants to drink pabst blue ribbon. If I want to see if you have something better to drink, I am going to ask. Even if this does violate your 'dont ask questions' rule.
Be "The Daddy Warbucks"-
Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.
Everyone hates them.
Be a "Whiney Baby"-
Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule 1, from a minute ago?
Aint there supposed ot be someoen checking this at the door?
DO
Tip-
Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.
I'll tip once I see the service has been good. Why should I shell out fat tip money to a bartender who is going to ignore me the rest of the night because I violated one of his sacred 'rules'
Be patient-
All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money, and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.
I am very patient. But if you are at the other end chatting with friends or some cute patron while I just want my drink, I will quickly lose patience
Understand - We are human, not machines. We do know you are there however . You are not the only person in that bar. Although you may feel like you are a VIP, and you just might be to your bartender if you follow these simple rules. You better believe that at least 20 other in that bar feel the exact same way, but they can't understand why they would ever possibly have to wait. Be patient, be ready, tip well. Bar life will be so much easier.
I understand you are the bartender. it is your job to bring me my drink. There is no one else in the building I can ask for a drink except form the bartender. If you cant do that, then it makes the bar a shitty bar.
2026 Update
Firing up the time machine for 19 years ago: Ed has discovered a bartender's rule list and is taking it personally.
Ah, 2007. A beautiful, uncomplicated time when a man could stand in a smoky bar, jingle the pennies in his pocket, and contemplate banging an ashtray on the bar for service. The ashtrays are gone, naturally—your city decided lungs matter more than percussion. Payment was cash, actual folding money, and tips were quarters heavy enough to drag down your jeans; now there's a card reader at every sticky table and the screen asks if you want to tip 35 percent before you've even tasted the drink. People don't wave dollar bills anymore; they wave their phones like they're casting spells. Ed grumbles about microbrew snobs and Burning Man specials; today the would-be connoisseur just scans a QR menu and orders the same hazy IPA as everyone else. High-maintenance shooters with names like Buttery Nipple have gone the way of the landline. But one sacred truth remains: the bartender still decides who gets served first, and the meek still inherit a warm flat beer.
“2007 Ed, if you aren't allowed to whistle, bang, wave cash, yell the bartender's name, or look confused, how exactly is a thirsty man supposed to signal for a drink—by becoming a lighthouse?” — Beelzebubba the Third
2007 Ed: Well, Beelzebubba, you'd think it was a code of silence, wouldn't you? But the secret is, you don't signal. You just stand there like a normal human being, catch the bartender's eye, maybe raise one finger like a polite person in a crowded room, and wait. It helps to have your cash or your order already in your head. I know, I know, radical concept. The whole point of that rant was that some jackass wrote rules for customers like they were animals being trained. You want a drink? Act like you've been in public before. Eye contact. Nod. Maybe mouth “one more” if you're a regular. That's it. No lighthouse beams necessary, although I'd pay to see somebody haul a Fresnel lens into a dive bar and start signaling ships. Honestly, if that got you served faster, I might try it. But I'm not whistling. That's for dogs, and I've got enough problems.
