Glass-Walled, Wolf-Infested, Honey-Drenched Disaster – Yours for $1.6M!

From The Desk Of Beelzebubba the Third

Beelzebubba the Third here, and have I got a labyrinth of lies for you! This open-concept wonder will have you flowing seamlessly into a great deal – literally, you'll flow into the great room on a river of your own tears. Sign here, and I'll even throw in the screaming bamboo hedge for free!

Behold, this 2022 catastrophe in Vibrant Hannibal Square – and by vibrant, I mean the ground vibrates at a frequency that loosens your fillings. The 'walls of glass' are exactly that: walls made of glass, but they're alive and covered in a film that projects your deepest insecurities, so you'll never feel a moment's privacy.

The 'open-concept' means the concept of walls is open to interpretation, so the polished concrete floors are so reflective they show you your soul, and they're slick enough to send you gliding into the chef's kitchen. There, a literal Wolf chained to the Sub-Zero freezer maintains a temperature of -40°F, so your groceries flash-freeze and your heart stops if you reach in.

The center island with seating seats the Wolf, who will consume any unattended snacks. The dining area flows seamlessly – indeed, it's a shallow stream that carries you into the great room, where custom-built library shelving is constructed from sentient novels that whisper plot spoilers. The split-bedroom plan splits each bedroom into two halves, so you get half a bed.

The primary suite resides in its own secluded wing – a bird's wing that flaps, keeping the suite in constant motion. The bath features dual vanities that bicker, an oversized walk-in shower that rains lukewarm tea, and a private water closet that is a closet full of water (it leaks). The 11x9 custom walk-in closet is actually a fourth bedroom, but it's a closet, so you'll sleep on hangers.

Guest bedrooms connect via a Jack-and-Jill bath built on a hill, so you'll slide to one side. The powder bath is filled with talcum powder – inhale deeply. Outdoor living means you live outdoors because the inside is uninhabitable. The covered patio is covered in honey and surrounded by a bamboo hedge that screams profanities.

The attached two-car garage is attached to the house, but also to a car, so it's a car garage that is a car. This is a rare opportunity to own a nightmare.