Winter Park Showstopper: 14-Foot Ceilings, a Split Floor Plan, Custom Chef

From The Desk Of Beelzebubba the Third

Beelzebubba the Third here, and this Winter Park 'showstopper' has been stopping shows since 2021. We are selling ceilings tall enough to file flight plans, a split floor plan that's literally split by a chasm, and a custom chef who lives in the pantry and yells at your spice rack. For $639,000 you get the wet paint for free. Hell, I'll even throw in the rope bridge.

Step into a masterpiece of literal marketing. All 2,471 square feet are present, though some are vertical. The ceilings don't just rise; they achieve liftoff, varying between 12 and 14 feet at random, so you'll need a weather forecast to know which room has weather. The crown moldings are actual crowns, and they will judge you. The plantation shutters are planted in the walls and require weekly fertilization.

The formal living and dining rooms demand formalwear—tuxedo rental included in the sale. The family room is built on a colossal turntable, rotating around a charming fireplace that hums a lullaby until you fall asleep standing up. It flows seamlessly into the custom chef's kitchen, where the custom chef is included: a chrome-plated automaton that reorganizes your cabinets and weeps softly at your knife skills.

The split floor plan is literal: two bedrooms in the right wing, two in the left, and a yawning chasm in between with a rope bridge. The primary suite is so spacious it has its own rain cycle. All three and a half bathrooms work, but the half bath is a toilet mounted on a seesaw.

Outside, your private oasis features a pool that is technically a mirage, an outdoor living room with no walls and no health insurance, and a fully fenced yard with barbed wire to keep the optimism in. New roof 2021, new vinyl planks in four rooms—the other rooms still have the original floor's DNA. Fresh paint is wet. $639,000 and you can stop showing.