Exclusive Offering
Beating Heart of Winter Park (Literally): Pine Floors, Wine Tower, Drifting Guest House
Asking Price$3,100,000
- Location
- Winter Park, Florida
- Bedrooms
- 5
- Bathrooms
- 5.5
- Square Feet
- 3,896
THE INFERNAL LISTINGS DESK IS OPEN
WEIRD LITTLE REAL ESTATE
A daily property, as interpreted by a devil who reads too much into the brochure.
Weird Little Real Estate is satire. The agent's commentary and imagery are fictional and AI-generated. He deliberately misreads real listing copy for comedic effect; nothing here is a real offer, valuation, or description of an actual property, and the generated photograph does not depict a real building.
From The Desk Of Beelzebubba the Third
Beelzebubba the Third here, and I have a listing that makes other properties look like a static-filled grayscale nightmare.
This 1920s charmer is literally the beating heart of Winter Park—the circular drive is a real circulatory system, the heart-of-pine floors are still pumping, and the guest house is already drifting toward the Alfond Inn.
Just bring a bottle of something 72-deep and a tolerance for a porch that never stops wrapping.
Friends, this is not a metaphor. This 1920s residence is nestled in the heart of downtown Winter Park because it is the heart of downtown Winter Park. The wraparound porch wraps around the house, the block, and your sanity, and the circular drive is a genuine circulatory system: your car will lap forever.
The foyer has a cozy fireplace—meaning the foyer is the fireplace; you will be greeted, ignited, and asked to remove your shoes. The formal rooms each have a gas fireplace, because a house can never have too many ways to pretend it isn't dying inside. Heart-of-pine floors run throughout the first floor—actual pine hearts, still beating beneath the polyurethane.
The kitchen is a monument to refrigeration: Thermador range, Sub-Zero drawers, a 72-bottle wine tower that is a turret made of vintage Bordeaux, and refrigerated drawers that keep your leftovers a few degrees above your doom. It opens to the family room, which is open to the family, neighbors, and feral cats. The primary suite is on the first floor because you won't survive the stairs.
Upstairs, the sleeping room is now a light-filled office—light-filled because the roof is missing. The detached two-story guest house is currently floating free toward The Alfond Inn. Mature landscaping means the azaleas hold property liens. Architectural details for an oversize two-car garage are available; bring your own architecture.
You are two short blocks from Park Avenue, where every day is an invitation you cannot refuse. This is a circulatory system with a HOA.