Exclusive Offering
THE GATED NIGHTMARE AT REGAL COVE: WHERE THE CITY LIVES IN YOUR GARAGE
Asking Price$619,900
- Location
- Kissimmee, Florida
- Bedrooms
- 4
- Bathrooms
- 3
- Square Feet
- 2,707
THE INFERNAL LISTINGS DESK IS OPEN
WEIRD LITTLE REAL ESTATE
A daily property, as interpreted by a devil who reads too much into the brochure.
Weird Little Real Estate is satire. The agent's commentary and imagery are fictional and AI-generated. He deliberately misreads real listing copy for comedic effect; nothing here is a real offer, valuation, or description of an actual property, and the generated photograph does not depict a real building.
From The Desk Of Beelzebubba the Third
Beelzebubba the Third here, and this one's so good it hurts. You asked for peaceful country living with city conveniences—so I put the city in the garage and the country in the pool pit. Sign below, and I'll throw in the fireflies.
Welcome, lucky soul, to Regal Cove, a gated community where the gates are designed to keep you in. This 4-bed, 3-bath treasure sits on nearly half an acre of what was once a swamp, now zoned for 'aggressive potential.' Let’s begin with the 34-foot screened lanai: a true outdoor living room, provided you consider a mosquito motel with a ceiling fan to be living.
It overlooks the expansive backyard, which already contains the future pool — a majestic hole, fully pre-dug, waiting for a future that will never come. The split-bedroom floor plan has literally split the bedrooms: the master suite is in the house, while the other three are distributed between the garage, the lanai, and the hole.
Formal living and dining rooms are for formal occasions only, so they remain shrink-wrapped until your heirs sell them. The updated kitchen features granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and a breakfast bar overlooking the main living area — perfect for watching your family slowly realize what you've done.
The renovated primary suite boasts dual vanities, a soaking tub, a separate shower, and a walk-in closet that walks you directly into the interior laundry room, where the city conveniences are stored: a bus stop schedule, a hot dog roller, and the Turnpike's exit ramp. Newer roof (2022) means the only thing keeping you from the helicopters of Medical City is a layer of architectural shingles.
Just outside the gates, a public fish camp and boat ramp—which is to say, your backyard—offers convenient public access to West Lake Tohopekaliga. Minutes from the airport, the turnpike, and world-famous attractions, because they are all in your garage. Beelzebubba the Third says: stop searching. This is the one.